Decisions

Tonight I am feeling so many feelings I just have to get them all out! I took Kaylee today to get fitted for a new prosthesis, this one will be alittle different then the shoelift she has now. They had to take a mold of her leg and have her fitted for a brace that her whole leg will fit into, then she will have a extendable pole on the bottom with a false foot. This may look alittle funny to most but it is going to be so much easier to move around without having that bulky shoe on.
While in the waiting room at the prosthesis place I see pictures all around of children with prosthesis, missing their leg or their arm or event both. While looking around all I could think was this isn’t so bad! Is my mind changing could I go ahead with the amputation and not put Kaylee through all the pain and suffering of these lengthening surgeries. Just to update those who are reading I have an option of doing the lengthening surgeries or having Kaylee’s foot cut off and her wear a prosthesis the rest of her life. Let me tell you this is not an easy decision! One way or the other Kaylee is going to suffer, so what should I do, let her suffer physically by all the pain she will have to endure or let her suffer knowing she is missing half a leg.
Well I can see it two ways, God made her with half a leg, he gave her to me with half a leg who am I to change that. Other way if I do lengthening she will be normal one day, she will run with both feet on the ground she will be like everyone else just a normal person. OK me just saying that she will be like everyone else, no that’s not how she was made, that was not why God put her here to be like everyone else.
If I decide to do the lengthening I will always have in the back of my mind watching her suffer I am just doing this all for myself. I am just doing this to her so she will fit in and be normal, all of this is to make other people happy. She will be until she is 16 years old in surgeries painful surgeries, I’m not just talking about going in and fixing a bone wear a cast for a little while then your done. NO I am talking about opening her leg, sawing her bone in half putting metal rods though her separate bone’s then stretching them everyday for 8 months, stretching her bone, stretching her muscles and tendons. Just think how you feel when you pull a muscle in your back or get a cramp in our leg could you image the pain of what Kaylee will have to face, I sure can’t, and I would never want to go through that pain.
So I guess I can say pain is beauty am I right or as in Kaylee’s case pain is normal. Would you honestly go through pain just to be normal honestly? I don’t think I would if it was my decision I would say cut that foot off and give me a pole to walk on the heck with what everyone else thinks is “normal”! I think getting her foot cut off would be hard on me to have to see but I think lengthening surgeries is something I don’t have to see but Kaylee would feel every bit of it, lengthening would be harder on Kaylee then it ever would be on me! So lengthen her leg let her face the pain as long as she is normal I would do anything yes “I” because I am not the one in pain, but what does she think. She will never have a normal child hood we would have to leave our home move somewhere where she is not comfortable put her through all of this yes for “normal”.
I have a friend on face book that I have been talking to recently I will not name name’s but she has the most beautiful little girl who seems happy all the time, who runs and plays and does everything a child does with nothing holding her back. She has the same thing as Kaylee but her family decided on the amputation. She had it when she was little before she could walk and would never know anything different. It’s over for her no more pain no more suffering just living! How amazing is that, just to live and not worrying about the next surgery, the pain the suffering it will be gone and we all just move on. Yes I know I am thinking the same thing but what about Kaylee she will have to live with a fake leg the rest of her life, how could I do that when it could be fixed. Well let me just say not everyone is like me we are all different and different things work for different people, but for me I just feel like I would be fixing her leg for my own benefit. So I would know in the future Kaylee will be normal when she is 16 she can play sports, cheer, find a boyfriend have normal friends be popular, be accepted, be perfect, do you see? Perfect the word perfect, who in this world would not say that Kaylee is not perfect, because what is perfect? What is normal? You are? Sorry I hate to say it no one is! And I have heard that all my life, me trying so hard to find the word perfect! Looking everywhere pleasing everyone, doing everything in my power so people on the outside would see that I am perfect, just for acceptance. I know deep in my heart I am not perfect nor will I ever be, I may not be missing a leg but other things bother me about myself.
Kaylee is just the most beautiful person to me I can just see it in her eyes she is special with half a leg or a whole leg she is special! Kaylee I sure wish you could make up my mind for me you could say I am willing to go through the pain and suffering to be like everyone else or you could say leg or no leg I am no different, I am Kaylee not a leg! Lord I will leave it all in your hands I just ask you from the bottom of my heart please, please help me with this decision what road is the right road? My little Kaylee if I could just take your place I would, I would give everything I have to be in your shoes and take all the pain away, but the Lord knows you are a much stronger person then I will ever be and this will make you a great person to be remembered! Lord I need you now more then ever help me Lord please help me to make Kaylee’s decision.
DecisionTo lengthen be normal be accepted be like everyone else.
To amputation live the rest of your life with half a leg, but start now living your life.
God I need your help!

What is God trying to tell me?

After all my years on this earth I am finally reading the Bible. I have started many times trying to read and understand Gods word but as the many times of reading I have put down the Bible not to open it again. But in my finding of the Lord I have been looking forward to ever night sitting down and reading the scripture. I have come across a passage in the Bible that has been a little discouraging to me and I am not sure how to take it. My heavenly father what are you trying to tell me in reading this verse, am I worthy, is my family worthy, is this truly a punishment?

In Leviticus 21: 16-24, The Lord say’s “No man who has any defect may come near [ to offer sacrifices to God]: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand.”

These are very powerful words, I understand the meaning of these verses they are a strict list of do’s and don’t for men entering the priesthood the Lord was telling to Moses, but what do they mean to me as a mother of a precious child born with a deformity? I am not sure is the Lord saying a sacrifices of these measures, will not be accepted? The Lord clearly says “ Do not bring anything with a defect, because it will not be accepted on my behalf.”

Well I did some heavy researching on this matter and here is what I found. These are some very inspiring words from people with disabilities, families of the disabled, and inspiring words from God himself.

First:

This is from a man in a wheelchair who has just read Leviticus 21, very moving.
“This passage can speak to us today, whether we’re disabled or not. As part of a “royal priesthood” (1 peter 2:9), God welcomes us into his presence, accepting us no matter how disfigured or deformed we are. But when we come before him in worship, we need to make certain that we have been washed in the blood of Jesus and our hearts are clean, harboring no blemish of pride or defect of impurity.
This is a wonderful explanation of this verse OUR HEARTS should be clean of all blemish and defect before we come before the Lord to worship.

Second:
Such religious images powerfully suggest that disability is not at all "abnormal," but that, indeed, all of us are struggling and wounded. All of us are somehow disabled, but giving.
My goal is not to convince you that you should care about disability through statistics or specific examples of families experiencing suffering or a sentimental view of rescuing families experiencing hardship.

Third:
But in loving God and soaking in God’s word you would love God’s sovereignty over all things and cling to all his promises for you SO THAT when disability enters your life – you will boldly and confidently and lovingly, with great anticipation and ‘as sorrowful yet always rejoicing’ cling to God in your circumstances or rush to welcome families like mine, to serve these precious families he has given as gifts to you with the strength God provides with the wisdom he provides with the resources he provides.
And not just to serve those with disabilities, but to be served by those the world and the culture considers expendable, weak, and worthless. To actually long for and seek out fellowship with those who are daily being destroyed and discounted because of disability. To understand and enjoy and soak in the reality of God’s purposes. To rise into your places of responsibility with this counter-cultural, God-centered reality: On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable (1 Corinthians 12:22).
　
Forth:
Disability is clearly an important issue to God
God states that He created some to live with disability
Disability and disease can be found in 40 of the 66 books of the Bible.
Jesus made disease and disability a central part of his ministry.There are clear instructions about behavior towards and by those with disabilities
Yes If disability are not acceptable then why did Jesus center his ministry around healing the disabled.
Fifth:
Let’s take a quick look at the Word:
John 9:1-3 As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3 Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.
As helpful as these passages are, God has proclaimed his sovereignty over his human creation in many other places:
Psalm 139:13-16 13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them
Note: This provides particular hope for those of us dealing with a daily hardship – every day is known by God.) No surprises to God; only purpose.
John 1:1-5 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. 4 In him was life, and the life was the light of men. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it
　
My Views:
These are very powerful words that have spoken to my heart. Jesus says “The works of God might be displayed though him“, Wow that is well said! I truly believe that Kaylee and all people with disability are sent to us to help the world see the beauty within. God has used my daughter Kaylee as a tool for us to get closer to him, and God is continuing to reveal more of himself to me through his word. I must say when I first read the verse of Leviticus I cried in disappointment but taking a closer look at the words of God and finding the words of other disabled people have made me understand why Kaylee is here, and why the Lord placed her in my life. I am more proud then ever to say yes my daughter was born with a disability, and yes are heavenly father accepts her as his own for he created her out of love in his heart. You are working wonders in my life Lord and I am listening to everything you are telling me.
　
　

Prayer for the Disabled

God of compassion,
in Jesus Christ you cared for those who were blind or deaf,
crippled or slow to learn.
Though all of us need help,
give special care to those who are disabled,
particularly those we name in silence...
By our concern may they know the love you have for them,
and come to trust you;
through Jesus Christ who came to heal.

Amen