The Dark Side

Ok I am sure you are sick of hearing how perfect my life is, I sure am. It was a few weeks before Christmas of ‘09 and my 20 week ultrasound was here. I dropped Kenny off w/ my mom, I wanted to go by myself because I had some much needed Christmas shopping to do after my doctors appointment. I got to the Doctors office they called me back to the ultrasound room, I remember doing this w/ my first no worries at all they was just going to see if everything was in it’s right place. I seen her on my 16 week gender scan and she looked perfect so I didn’t think much of it. The ultrasound girl was doing her thing we was talking about Christmas coming up and how we weren’t

prepared for it. I was just think about all I had to buy for and what I was going to get them. We talked for awhile then she got really quiet but I didn’t think much of it. Soon she said go back to the waiting area the Doctor will be with you soon. So I waited for a little while then they finally called me back. I got in the room and waited little bit longer then finally she came in. I will never forget her face she looked kind of scared. She said I was looking at the ultrasound and there seems to be a problem. I was thinking.. Ok what in the world does that mean! She said I am just going to tell you I have only heard of this in down syndrome babies. My thoughts “What did you say? I don’t understand those words!” She went on to say this is nothing I have ever seen and I have no idea what to tell you, I know she seen the tears whelming up in my eyes, she said I will give you a minute to think about this and she walked out of the room. Those few minutes felt like a lifetime! I sat there all by myself in that room and my life was crumbling down all around me. Tears running down my face I just couldn’t hold it back I cried like a baby. A million thoughts running though my head but all I can remember is think this isn’t happening the ultrasound is wrong! Just talking about it, I am getting that feeling again you know that feeling were your heart feels like it’s coming up your throat. I was just sitting there shaking in shock. The Doctor walked back in and said I am sending you to a specialist (200 miles away). I said ok that’s all I could get out. She told me take my time in here and leave when I was ready, so I sat there a little longer and tried to pull myself together. I didn’t want anyone to see me crying when I walked out. I got in my car and it’s funny to think now I was so dramatic! I was just looking at the sky saying WHY, why my little girl, why can’t it be me and not her, what did I do wrong I have done everything I was suppose to do and I have been a good person all my life, why Lord are you punishing me. Little did I know this was no punishment but a honor from God for choosing me out of everyone in this world to be her mother and take care of her. A few days pasted probably the worse few days of my life! Then the appointment with the specialist came. Chad’s mom Rhonda watched Kenny, and me, Chad, my mom, and dad went together. All that way up there and they said this is something we have never seen or heard of all we can do is do the amniocentesis test on you, but there is a chance you can lose the baby. Um no I don’t want that I will hold off, thank you. There was nothing else they could tell me we left and all I could think was how am I going to fix this. I hate milk and any dairy products maybe that was the problem, maybe if I forced my self to drink and eat dairy products her leg will grow. I remember on the way back home we stopped at Dairy Queen and I forced myself to eat some ice-cream , I just wanted to throw up w/ every bite but I finished it. Lots of calcium for me now! All I could do was pray, please Lord just let it be her leg and nothing else, a leg I could handle but anything else I wasn’t prepared for. I thought the odds of it just being her leg were slim, there was just never one thing wrong. We all researched it a lot and found a lot on kids with something called PFFD, but no one was for sure what it was so we really didn’t have any answers. Well the months pasted pretty quickly I just remember I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone, I didn't want anyone to ask me questions about it. Before I knew it I was going to my 36 week check-up. The doctor came in with some more bad news. She said my amniotic fluid seems to be leaking we might have to take the baby early. She said I want to keep you pregnant for as long as possible so go home drink lots of fluids and stay on bed rest for the rest of your pregnancy. But with a 17 month old boy to take care of the was impossible. The next day I took it pretty easy but I noticed Kaylee hasn’t moved at all today. I was scared what if something happened, what if my child had been taken away from me. That was far more worse then anything wrong with her leg. I called the doctor’s office they said get here fast. We flew up there they checked me right away, my fluid was extremely low, the Doctor said I am admitting you to the hospital. I was scared to death, but all I could think about was my little boy that was the last day I got to spend with him by ourselves. Both of our lives were about to change forever!